Balasaheb's nationalism reaffirmed

The nation today heaved a sigh of relief as Shiv Sena chief Bal Thackeray dispelled doubts about his nationalism by emphatically proclaiming that the biggest threat to the country was the Muslim fundamentalist.

Bal Thackeray's commitment to the nation had come under suspicion following charges that he was encouraging Marathi chauvinism and flaming hatred against people from the rest of the country. However, by pointing the finger at Islam, Balasaheb removed all doubts about his patriotism.

"We are not accusing all Muslims of being fundamentalists," the towering statesman said, as he ceremoniously revealed a list containing a grand total of four patrotic Muslims. "Except some like Salim Khan, Javed Akhtar, Mukhtar Abbas and Farooq Abdullah, the rest are trying to destroy our country," he said.

Nooruddin's name is not on the list

The news of Balasaheb's declaration was greeted with joy and "I told you so"s across the country. Daily wage laborer Rajesh Kumar from Patna disclosed, "I was puzzled when I was beaten up in Mumbai a couple of months ago and sent back packing, but with Balasaheb now proving his love for the country, my respect for him has been restored. I promptly went around and told my Muslim neighbours that India is for Hindus, and if they want to stay here they better behave"

The enthusiasm for the proclamation was not restricted to the lower income groups. CEO Teevrabuddhi Chaturvedi said to this reporter, "It requires a degree of intellect to cut through Balasaheb's nuanced nationalism. Like he said, the stance in Maharashtra is anti-rest of India, where as when it comes to the country, they are virulently anti-Islamic. The strategy is transparent, there is no incongruity or attempt to fool people. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go and apply my superior analytical powers to formulation of my company's strategic vision plan."

People in Maharashtra felt especially vindicated. Sampat Vaglekar said, "This Sachin Tendulkar controversy was a conspiracy by the b*^*#^& bhaiyya channels of north India to confuse the Maratha people. Now the c*$&*# bhaiyyas have been taught a lesson".

Shiv Sainiks gave expression to the sentiments of the common public by thrashing people and furniture at the IBN TV channel for maligning Balasaheb. Shiv Sena proudly "claimed responsiblity" for the attack. "We will not tolerate people accusing the Sena Chief", a Shiv Sainik said. He further clarified, "This is not an attack against the freedom of press in general, people who do not crticise Balasaheb have nothing to fear".

The BJP expressed concern about the incident. "Such violations of the law are a cause for concern," a party spokesmen said, "to avoid such problems in future, we must consider granting blanket legal immunity to people who commit violence for the purpose of defending Balasaheb's honor."