Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Love Guru

"Had her heart been Indian, it wouldn’t have beaten for a Pakistani"

"Had her heart been Indian, it wouldn’t have beaten for a Pakistani"

"Had her heart been Indian, it wouldn’t have beaten for a Pakistani"

Sing along fellas...

"Had her heart been Indian, it wouldn’t have beaten for a Pakistani"

"Had her heart been Indian, it wouldn’t have beaten for a Pakistani"

Turn up the speakers and feel the love...

"Had her heart been Indian, it wouldn’t have beaten for a Pakistani"

Rock away...

(relationship advice brought to you by serious newsmagazine Saamna)

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Australia is for Australians: Shiv Sena

Shiva Sena today took exception the statement by the Australian Prime Minister that Australia welcomes people of all countries to its shores. Bal Thackeray direly proclaimed "Australians have as much right to Australia as Kevin Rudd has to his left slipper, and he is warned not to hurt their sentiments"

He also said that attacks in Australia on Indians are "understandable", and reiterated that every immigrant who comes to Australia should learn the Australian ways of life. "Every person who wants to live in Australia should learn how to toss a boomerang at a dingo and bounce it off a roo while simultaneously quaffing a Fosters. Got that, mate?"

Monday, December 14, 2009


(M-Marker, T-Terminal)
I am what is around me. (M)
Women understand this. (M)
One is not a duchess (T)
A hundred yards away from a carriage. (T)
These, than are portraits: (T)
A black vestibule; (T)
A high bed sheltered by curtains. (T)
These are merely instances. (Xn)

Wallace Stevens

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Theatre of the absurd

Senior BJP leader Sushma Swaraj today championed the cause of secularism in the country by threatening, oops, no I mean "asking" the home minister to discard the Babri demolition report given by Justice Liberhan, since not doing so will cause communal riots in the country.

"I ask the honourable Home Minister to dismiss this report. If this report remains to exist then it will provoke communal riots throughout the country," Sushma Swaraj said in the Lok Sabha today.

BJP members applauded the statement, and were unanimous in their opinion that Swaraj's deep concern for communal harmony in the country is consistent with the BJP tradition of always putting the country before the party. They said BJP leaders who are indicted by the report for inciting bloody communal riots in the country are very keen to go to jail for their crimes, but have crushed their desires in order to prevent bloody communal riots in the country.

Coming up soon: Nation erupts into uproarious laughter.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

BJP invokes little known section of the constitution to win debate

Treasury benches were today left dumbfounded in the parliament after the opposition BJP invoked a little known clause of the Indian constitution to turn the tables on the government and win the debate on the Liberhan commission report today in Parliament.

The government tabled the Liberhan report which laid the blame for Babri Masjid demolition squarly on several BJP leaders including then CM Kalyan Singh and former PM A.B. Vajpayee. The ruling Congress party had hoped to corner the BJP on instigating violence and misuse of police but the BJP members surprised everyone by shouting slogans of "Jai Sri Ram" as soon as the report was tabled. Ruling party members were left looking puzzled as they didn't know any political or logical argument against this unexpected technical assault.

According to section OMG-LOL of the Indian constitution, anyone using the words "Jai Sri Ram" first automatically wins the debate and doesn't need to defend their position any further.

Samajwadi party members, still unsure of whether they were supporting the government or were in the opposition, made a valiant attempt to make a comeback by shouting "Ya Ali" but were reduced to sheepish grins as there was no such section in the constitution. The speaker however tried to console them saying, "The Samajwadi Party and the BJP are equally responsible for raising the standard of debate in the Parliament, and their respective vote banks will reward them handsomely for this."

After this everybody went home.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Balasaheb's nationalism reaffirmed

The nation today heaved a sigh of relief as Shiv Sena chief Bal Thackeray dispelled doubts about his nationalism by emphatically proclaiming that the biggest threat to the country was the Muslim fundamentalist.

Bal Thackeray's commitment to the nation had come under suspicion following charges that he was encouraging Marathi chauvinism and flaming hatred against people from the rest of the country. However, by pointing the finger at Islam, Balasaheb removed all doubts about his patriotism.

"We are not accusing all Muslims of being fundamentalists," the towering statesman said, as he ceremoniously revealed a list containing a grand total of four patrotic Muslims. "Except some like Salim Khan, Javed Akhtar, Mukhtar Abbas and Farooq Abdullah, the rest are trying to destroy our country," he said.

Nooruddin's name is not on the list

The news of Balasaheb's declaration was greeted with joy and "I told you so"s across the country. Daily wage laborer Rajesh Kumar from Patna disclosed, "I was puzzled when I was beaten up in Mumbai a couple of months ago and sent back packing, but with Balasaheb now proving his love for the country, my respect for him has been restored. I promptly went around and told my Muslim neighbours that India is for Hindus, and if they want to stay here they better behave"

The enthusiasm for the proclamation was not restricted to the lower income groups. CEO Teevrabuddhi Chaturvedi said to this reporter, "It requires a degree of intellect to cut through Balasaheb's nuanced nationalism. Like he said, the stance in Maharashtra is anti-rest of India, where as when it comes to the country, they are virulently anti-Islamic. The strategy is transparent, there is no incongruity or attempt to fool people. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go and apply my superior analytical powers to formulation of my company's strategic vision plan."

People in Maharashtra felt especially vindicated. Sampat Vaglekar said, "This Sachin Tendulkar controversy was a conspiracy by the b*^*#^& bhaiyya channels of north India to confuse the Maratha people. Now the c*$&*# bhaiyyas have been taught a lesson".

Shiv Sainiks gave expression to the sentiments of the common public by thrashing people and furniture at the IBN TV channel for maligning Balasaheb. Shiv Sena proudly "claimed responsiblity" for the attack. "We will not tolerate people accusing the Sena Chief", a Shiv Sainik said. He further clarified, "This is not an attack against the freedom of press in general, people who do not crticise Balasaheb have nothing to fear".

The BJP expressed concern about the incident. "Such violations of the law are a cause for concern," a party spokesmen said, "to avoid such problems in future, we must consider granting blanket legal immunity to people who commit violence for the purpose of defending Balasaheb's honor."

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sachin belongs to the entire world - Thackeray

Shiv Sena supremo Bal Thackery today showered praise on Sachin Tendulkar and said that the master blaster is an exemplary ambassador for the game of cricket and the entire cricketing fraternity identifies with him. "Legends like Sachin should not be confined to narrow claims of nationhood," the aging patriarch said, "While India is proud of him, connoisseurs of cricket the world over admire him and draw inspiration from him. Past and present players from all cricketing nations have extolled him as a genius who brought glory to the game. As such he is beyond narrow national affiliations and well and truly belongs to the worldwide cricket community"

All social groups and political parties praised Bal Thackeray's mature stand. However the response of Shiv Sena's political ally BJP was more muted. One BJP spokesperson said, "Balasaheb is a world citizen. A visionary. As such it is natural for him to make such noble statements. But we must also remember to put the nation first. Take Kashmir for example. All we ask of our Muslim brothers is that if they want to remain in India they should put India first and their religion second. That's all. If they fail to do that we will be forced by our loyalty to Bharat Mata to rape their daughters and slit out their unborn foetuses, like we did in Gujarat in 2001. You know, in those massacres that never really took place and were concocted by pseudo-secularists to malign Gujarat". "Remember, Hindus are by definition secular, they attack only when provoked, and any insult to their character will not be tolerated" the leader trailed off as he ran towards a urinating cow to partake of the nectar.